On the edge
by luvindrewfuller
Summary: The aftermath of Bethany's stunt has left campus reeling, and James has come out of it one of the worst affected. Only just back from the disaster that was Ukraine he now has a new set of problems to deal with. Sequel to Missing, warnings mainly for s/h
1. Chapter 1

_Sequel time! This originally started as the last chapter of Missing but I figured it worked better in here...so about the first 200 words were written ages ago when I started the last chapter of Missing...but then I changed the plot some so it didn't work...anyways enough rambling...here you go!_

_Please bear in mind __**I know next to nothing about gunshot wounds**__ so this might not be entirely accurate...I've looked it up a bit but...I have also discovered that either I'm being rather fussy or that it's actually kinda hard to find that kind of thing out...any help???? I'm working off a bit of basic knowledge here...and trust me when I say that it's not much!_

_Oh and also don't flame me for how __**James is at the minute, he's gonna cut, more than likely he'll end up getting involved with drugs and alcohol and he's gonna contemplate suicide a lot.**__ Barring the drugs/alcohol that was me 3 years ago...I didn't stop till 9 months ago...anyways just don't flame me over James' character, and __**if you're gonna be affected by any of it don't read!**_

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James woke the next morning, back in his own room finally, he'd grown tired of having to bunk with Bruce, who rather thankfully was a very deep sleeper and so far hadn't woken to James' screams, Zara had insisted that he did, for at least a month while he healed, of course James being James the second the month was up he moved back into his own room – ignoring several protests as he did so. Zara had attempted to add extra time to it after the Bethany thing; James had refused point blank and moved himself back into his own room. He'd only been back in it for two weeks now and hadn't left it for anything but meals. After making sure that no one had come in in the night (he'd pushed a box against the door, if it had opened then the box would have moved), and theoretically from that fact that no one had heard him, he left unable to ignore the growling in his stomach any longer.

He'd been avoiding eating with everyone as much as possible; they all seemed bent on staring at him as if trying to see if he was ok when he so obviously wasn't. Unfortunately it was a Wednesday which meant classes, which meant that everyone else was up as well. He was normally earlier but staying awake until at least 3am in a futile attempt to prevent nightmares did start to take its toll. In a manner eerily similar to some of Bethany's last thoughts before being kicked out of CHERUB, James often found himself thinking about how if you acted normal and pretended everything was normal everyone thought he was fine. He wasn't exactly acting normally currently, but most people chalked it down to him having a bad day.

He considered ducking out of breakfast and just grabbing a microwavable thing to do in his room. That plan however was scuppered when Kyle saw him and pretended to faint in shock.

"He lives! He has left his room! God James you're pale, you _need _to get outside."

James didn't bother dignifying that with a response, instead deciding to turn round and go back to his room. Even if Kyle would still joke around with him the rest of campus didn't, in James' opinion they treated him like a china doll. They'd been doing it since he got back from Ukraine and it had only gotten worse since Lauren...James stopped himself from completing that thought. Unfortunately for James he still had at least a week until anyone even thought about letting him start walking again, partly due to Bethany ripping his stitches and Zara being ever so slightly over protective, and Kyle just caught hold of him and started dragging him towards the elevator and down to breakfast, James protesting rather loudly the whole way.

.................................

Everyone in the room immediately quietened down when James entered, still protesting and still being dragged by Kyle. Kyle shot them a few well placed glares and they resumed their chatter, albeit more quietly than before. Ignoring them all Kyle grabbed trays for him and James and forced James to go get himself some food, James just sat there stubbornly and decided that this week couldn't go fast enough. At least then he'd be on crutches and would have a slightly better chance at being able to avoid everyone's stares. Still, being below them help somewhat, at least he couldn't see their eyes, but he could still feel their gaze burning into him.

Kyle decided to interrupt his thoughts by ramming a carton of orange juice under his nose. James just shrugged and threw it onto his tray, Kyle sighed, at least when James was trying to stop him from making him do something he could actually be bothered to put up a fight. James being all quiet and almost submissive just wasn't right. He dragged James towards an almost full table and, ignoring some rather nasty looks from the occupants, put his and James' trays on it and proceeded to eat. James had appeared to shrink under the looks he was getting from the others at the table and was consequently ignoring his food and studying his nails rather intensely.

James took the first opportunity he could to bolt and made his way up to his room desperate to get away; this was going to be a lot easier when he could walk, well, run. It was rather hard to disappear into the shadows when campus wasn't particularly designed for wheelchairs. Major design flaw there. Kyle thankfully hadn't followed him; he normally did so James was relieved to say the least. He managed to get up to his room without bumping into anyone and as soon as he was inside the door was locked and bolted. There's no way to pick a bolt.

Sighing with relief, James wheeled himself into his bathroom grabbing his razor off the side as he went. His wrists weren't any good, uniform was t-shirts, it was annoying at times but he dealt, he had to. He ripped his shirt off and threw it on the floor staring at the countless lines covering his chest in various stages of healing. The first ones were shaky things, barely deep enough to leave a mark, only a week later they'd grown much deeper and more organised, now almost his whole chest was covered in cuts. Neat, diagonal lines when he was lucid enough to pay attention, a large clump crossing each other when he wasn't. There were more large clumps than neat lines.

Lifting the razor he placed it against one of the few bare places on his chest and cut. Blood started flowing immediately running down his chest and into his trousers. He couldn't care less; he wasn't leaving his room for the rest of the day anyway. This was apparently one of those few times where he actually concentrated on where he was putting the blade. The next cut was directly underneath at exactly the same angle. Before he had chance to cut again he heard someone hammering on his door, Kyle, and shouting at him. James smirked and stuck his finger up at the general direction of the door.

Seeing that Kyle wasn't going away anytime soon he groaned, grabbing a bandage from the cupboard and wrapping it over the newest cuts as he did so. He pulled his shirt back on and made his way back into his bedroom. Rather than trying to explain the blood on his trousers James just grabbed a jacket and threw it over his lap. Groaning he pulled the door open and plastered on a smile, forcing himself to look up at Kyle rather than down at his shirt where the faintest marks of blood could be seen. Maybe he wouldn't notice; wishful thinking but maybe he wouldn't, it would make life a whole lot easier if he didn't. Not that life seemed to like going easy on James but there you go, some people are destined for sucky lives.

"You up for bowling? Kerry and Gabrielle are off as well," apparently not noticing how James' face fell at the suggestion, well either that or he just didn't care and decided to press on anyway, "we can go girls v boys, the girls seem up for it. It'll be fun, besides they'll probably faint in shock when they realise you've not only left your room but you're leaving campus. Come down just so I can see their faces, please!"

Kyle attempted a rather demented version of the classic puppy dog eyes, then proceeded to get down on his knees and look up at James like a five year old who wanted chocolate might. James sighed and conceded, Kyle wasn't going to let him be unless he agreed and he _really _didn't want to be faced with that image of Kyle any longer.

"I'll be down in 10 minutes." He said sullenly turning away from Kyle and going into the bathroom. "You can wait that long right?"

Kyle nodded eagerly and ran off, presumably to get ready himself. Despite not wanting to go James did have to admit that the look on Kerry's face would be funny. Maybe he should find a camera...

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_Was gonna make it slightly longer but I haven't been able to write an update for Interesting...I'm out all tomorrow, Friday is packing day, Saturday/Sunday is my friend's birthday do and then Monday I go to Egypt – nowhere in that schedule is there time to write so until I get back from Egypt this is it. But I'm going old school so I should be able to get some typed up and online a couple of days after I get back!_

_I know this chapter didn't explain much but I'm gonna spread that out through the fic – it's a main part of James' character actually so I'm not explaining it all at once. You'll see what I mean in about 2 weeks time! :D_

_Review please _

_Ldf x_


	2. Chapter 2

_So sorry this has taken so long to get out! *apologises* but what with Egypt and back to school looming...anyways...(and that is just testament as to how long ago I started this chapter!) and you know when I said two weeks? I suppose 4 months would be more accurate *winces* I didn't mean to! Honest!_

* * *

Kerry and Gabrielle's faces when James arrived were gold and Kyle seriously wished he'd had the foresight to bring a camera. Maybe if he ran upstairs really quickly...nah, it wouldn't work, there's no way that classic look would still be on their faces once he got back downstairs. Rather unfortunate that fact was but still at least he'd seen it and would have the memory forever in his brain

"Are we going or are you going to carry on doing a remarkable impression of a fish?" Kyle quipped staring at the girls.

"Here," James chucked something at him which Kyle caught and immediately proclaimed James a God for getting the picture he so desperately wanted. "Can we go now, or did you drag me out here just to get that?"

"Actually this was just a bonus, I didn't even think you'd come."

James swatted him, "Oh thanks oh great believer in me! Nice to know I'm appreciated."

"James, your head is big enough as it is, you don't need me to tell you how great you are – you're doing that fine on your own."

James fell silent and turned his eyes away trying to think of another subject. They were way too bright and happy about everything, it hadn't been that long since the event, how could they do it? It just seemed wrong and he'd done it himself how could he have betrayed her like that? He shook himself and plastered a smile on his face, unconsciously rubbing against some of the cuts on his chest as they started to burn. He shrugged the feeling off and followed the other three as they made their way out of the door. He hadn't really thought this plan through if he wasn't, not that he'd had time but still, he could have done with a bit more time to get ready.

....

The bowling alley was crowded as always, people moved aside as they spotted James, shooting him both curious and pitying looks as he followed his friends to the only free lane available. For his part James merely kept his eyes on Kyle's back and avoided their gaze as much as possible letting them think what they wanted about him and why he was at half their height. He'd had enough with it back on Campus, there was no way he was explaining it to a bunch of strangers he'd never see again.

The noise was hurting his head and he could have sworn the room was spinning by the time they'd gotten everything set up. He wasn't entirely certain how exactly Kyle had planned for him to join in, one arm still in a cast and a still healing bullet wound in his leg, unfortunately seconds later his question was answered...in the form of the kiddie ramp. He scowled at the offensive thing, and then at the grinning Kyle. The other teen shrugged innocently before going to grab drinks for them all, and apparently nachos. This being yet another part of his plan to force James to eat something, even if it was bowling alley crap that on a normal day none of the CHERUBs would touch unless they didn't have any other option.

By the time they were halfway through James was wishing for his bed, a blade and the bolt on his bedroom door. Quiet would be good too, and maybe those bottles of lager hidden under his bed – no wait, he'd finished all those last night, well he'd finished two...at least...

"Earth to James, Earth calling James, James!"

James glanced at the voice calling him and then realised it was his go. Unsurprisingly he was losing, Kyle not actually rubbing it in for once which made a pleasant change but he was barely noticing. He seemed to be going through the whole thing in a daze, almost mechanically. He'd shoved a few nachos down his throat, taken a dutiful few sips of his drink, shoved the ball off of the kiddie ramp when he had to, but he hadn't felt any of it. He was numb and the desire for a blade was growing stronger. He pushed it aside and sent the ball down the ramp not really caring about his score and barely noticing the girls' cheers when he got a strike. God he just wanted to be back on campus.

.........

He leant back gasping, the blade in his hand forgotten as he rose into the ecstasy that came with the cuts he was making. All too soon the familiar feelings of disgust and shame thrust themselves upon him and he sliced again to get rid of them. It was rather like a drug he mused, he needed it to just feel normal, to feel alive. He glanced at his clock and realised he'd have to sleep. It was half past 4, and he had to be up at 8 so he could eat, bloody interfering bugger, why couldn't he just leave well enough alone?

Fresh wounds stinging and older ones irritated and red due to his constant rubbing of them in order to simply feel James slipped into a fitful slumber, flashes of past events preventing him from sleeping properly as they had been doing for weeks, giving him no rest from the memories of his sister's death and his torture in Ukraine.

***

_His nose was on fire as Mr Red-and-Black-Laces drove his heel into it. His chest was burning with the strain of broken ribs and metal boots were slamming into him constantly. He winced as he heard a crack and one of his fingers started burning. Please Ewart, come and get me, please._

_..........._

_He was tied up. He felt like an animal. His body felt like it was on fire, he couldn't pinpoint where exactly the pain was coming from._

"_Is the little boy scared? Has he got a paper cut? Do you need me to go get mommy?"_

_James growled and spat at Michal. The older boy merely laughed and kicked him again for good measure. James barely held back a scream as the foot connected with his chest and the broken and bruised ribs located in that area. This had to be hell. Scratch that, Hell would be better than this right about now._

_............._

_Samantha was stood over him grinning, he couldn't muster up the energy to scowl back but then she disappeared from his line of view and suddenly there were boots slamming into his chest and faces leering over him, taunting him, calling him a baby. Pain flooded through him and then it stopped he was in the bliss they called unconsciousness. He was dimly aware of someone new entering, then he slipped back._

_................._

_The days were blurring into one, he only knew Michal wasn't there anymore, but there was more pain, so much more pain. He couldn't hear, he couldn't speak. There was so much pain. He could barely feel his leg, it was so hard. He wanted to die, so badly, he was begging 'Please God, let me die. Please.', there was a burning pain now coming from his arm. It had broken. It hurt so much. He just wanted to sleep._

_..............._

_People were screaming, shouting, guns were firing and he was stuck in the middle. The wound in his thigh was flaring up and he couldn't move. There was a bang and everything seemed to slow down. He twisted round and saw his sister go down, Bethany pulling the trigger. He screamed._

***

He sat up gasping and reached for the razor he'd left on the side. 4 slices appeared across his chest before he started to feel like normal. Another 3 and he's calmed down. A final one across his heart for his sister.

"I'm gonna join you as soon as I can Lauren, I promise. I'm sorry it's taking me so long but I just...I'm sorry Lauren."

Another red line appeared on his skin, the blood slowing beading out, it was a pretty pattern, but it was bare, it needed more. The blade cut through his skin repeatedly, its sharp edge treating his skin as if it were no harder than butter. He breathed a sigh of relief as everything left him and added another bandage to his chest to cover up the latest batch of cuts. No one could ever know.

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Two teenage girls sat fuming in cells. One in Scotland and one in the south of England. As far away from each other as possible, they couldn't be allowed to be near each other again, there could never be a repeat of the disaster. There had been too much destruction. The trial had been private and hidden away, no newspaper ever caught wind that it was going on, nearly 200 teens had received some form of sentence, but those two, those two were the ones vowing to escape and get revenge. And with their CHERUB training, there were a few people who thought they might manage it.

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_To answer any questions you maybe possibly might have James is way messed up but he's not letting anyone see it. All his emotions are as real as I can get them according to what I've been through so it's not implausible that he'd be like this. Anyways – PLEASE REVIEW! And please note I pulled about 200 words out of nowhere to make this a decent length for you so please do me that one favour and feed my insane muse with reviews! _

_Ldf x_


	3. Chapter 3

_Yes I know these have taken ages – very sorry about that guys – but you like them right???? I've had the hits, just not the reviews :( REVIEWS ARE GOLD PEOPLE! PLEASE GIVE ME THEM! Oh and this isn't going to be a very long fic, or it's not planned to be at any rate...but then if you've read my other fics you know what I'm like at actually sticking to my plans...and my update schedule so I have NO idea how this is gonna turn out. Just a warning for anybody that cares!_

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He winced when he woke up that morning, his chest pulling painfully as barely healed wounds tried to stay together. Sitting up and grabbing his shirt of the drawers beside his bed James manoeuvred himself into his chair and groaned as someone started incessantly knocking on his door. After 5 minutes of hammering whoever it was, James snorted – it'd only be Kyle, gave up and started shouting.

"James! Open the damn door before I kick it in!"

James swore as he realised Kyle would probably do just that and hurriedly tried to wrench his shirt over his head before the other teen entered. A crash startled him and he froze like a rabbit in headlights with his shirt half over his head and the vast expanse of still healing cuts and scars over his chest clearly visible. Both boys' expressions mirrored each other as they stared at each other, James snapped out of it first and finished pulling his tee over his head and down over his chest to cover the cause of the situation he was currently in. Hoping to take advantage of the stunned Kyle James started moving towards the door attempting to slip beneath the teen's outstretched arms before he came to his senses. Unfortunately luck wasn't on James' side that day and Kyle grabbed hold of him before he could get very far.

"Explain. Now."

There was a hint of danger in Kyle's voice that James had never heard before and he was almost worried enough about what would happen if he didn't explain to contemplate not doing so. Unfortunately his natural instinct to hide his secret from the world won him over and he merely spat a firm "No" in Kyle's face before turning away, somehow finding the strength to wrench himself out of Kyle's grip and get himself to the elevator while the older was still reeling from the force of James' words. Angrily stabbing a random button James gave Kyle the finger just as the doors closed and Kyle threw himself towards them, trying extremely hard to get in. He gave in once he saw the direction the lift was headed and started sprinting towards the fire escape – he could get told off for it later, right now he didn't care.

Pushing through the door he was dimly aware that the siren had started blaring behind him and CHERUBs that were relaxing in their rooms streaming out of the door behind him, pushing and jolting him as they all tried to make their way to the ground. There'd been a fire practice only yesterday so as far as they were aware this was the real deal and they weren't taking any chances. Tripping over someone's loose shoe lace Kyle fell smashing his head against the metal stairs with an ear splitting crack, blood started pouring out of the gash and he blacked out with only one thing on his mind. James.

5 minutes later Kyle was liberated from the metal stairs by two teens who decided not to trample over him in their rush to get down as many others had done.

.............

Kyle slowly rose to awareness, the bright lights hurting his eyes as he opened them so he quickly clamped them shut and groaned gaining himself attention from the two people next to him.

"Welcome back to the world of the living Kyle," Meryl's voice was laced with amusement, "I'm impressed. Only you could half kill yourself going down a fire escape." She rolled her eyes and patted his arm affectionately, "Although it got James out of his room again, he came by yesterday to see if you'd woken up, didn't stay long though."

"He wouldn't. I'm amazed he even came." The mention of James brought a nagging feeling into Kyle's head, as if there was something he needed to say, or do, something important. He growled as it escaped him, the confusion surrounding his brain making it impossible to remember precisely what had happened earlier on, whenever it was that he, presumably, fell. "What happened anyway? Last thing I remember was breakfast however long ago that was – how long have I been out?"

Meryl sighed and launched into an explanation. "That was 3 days ago, someone tripped the fire alarm and the idiots that you lot are stampeded down the fire escape as if a pack of rabid dogs were chasing you, I'm never gonna understand teenagers. From what we can gather you tripped over someone's foot and hit your head on the stairs, took 5 minutes for people to stop treading on you though, Bruce and Kerry picked you up. You've got 4 stitches in your head and there's a few people who we've only just managed to kick out of here. You should be alright in a few days, although your memory's gonna be a bit fuzzy about what happened for a bit. I better go tell them all you're awake, they'd kill me if I didn't – and they're not gonna be best pleased I didn't tell them the second you looked to be waking up."

She rose from her chair and threw the dazed teen a smile as she left. Kyle raised a heavy hand in a half wave but quickly dropped it back on the bed as the effort it was taking to lift it up sapped what little energy he had. Besides once Meryl told his friends he was awake he wasn't gonna be getting any peace for a while, whether he wanted to go back to sleep or not. Maybe he'd find out what it was about James that was bugging him. That is if anyone else knew, James wasn't exactly one for company nowadays, or one to tell people how he was feeling.

...........

As John drove him back to campus James couldn't help the grin that had made its way onto his face. His stitches were finally out and he could walk again, kind of. He was still on crutches and he'd have to build up all the muscle he'd lost through atrophy in the past few months. He'd tried to keep moving it but the pain stopped it being worth it, as did the constant almost splitting of his stitches. John noticed the boy's slightly lifted spirits but didn't comment, it'd just put James on the defensive and make him retreat back into himself again, Kyle's injury had been a good thing in that respect.

James knew he couldn't risk cutting for a few days, even if Kyle didn't remember, if the wounds healed and scarred then they could be explained away by Ukraine, if they were still fresh...he didn't even want to think about it. He barely got out of counselling this time round, if all this came out he wouldn't be on a mission again for years. They'd deem him emotionally unstable to manage undercover work and have him on routine surveillance and recruitment missions until he got too old. Secrets were called secrets for a good reason. When people found out about them things tended to blow up way out of proportion. Yep, secrets were better kept secret.

The gates to campus were in sight by the time James had had this internal monologue and he sighed softly as memories started to assault him, bleeding through the blocks he put around them during the day. Those gates just signified too much, the canteen was worse but he could avoid that a lot easier than the gates. The gates were supposed to stop people coming in that weren't allowed, but they let Bethany and Nicole in. They let in the people that killed his sister! They let in the people that nearly destroyed CHERUB; that nearly destroyed him. He wasn't a big fan of the so called security on the gates after that one.

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_Right well 1000 words was the actual chapter...the rest is just padding...yeah...and my GCSEs are coming up again along with my AS maths exam that I'm going to get a U for cos I've not even covered most of the stuff...should be fun. I'm also seriously stressed right now, there was a whole Prefect thing going on at my school and basically I've made the Assistant Head hate me – and she's the one that dictates whether or not I can go out of school, so yeah, not good. And I brought something up with my HOY that I probably shouldn't...but then many members of staff at my school keep asking whether I'm alright, I'd say the answer's fairly obvious from how I'm acting but maybe not. Hmmm, I dunno – it's annoying anyway, and it's teachers I see daily a lot of the time so it's not great – these stories are keeping me sane at the minute, even if I don't work on them much._

_Ldf x_


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